


She's Already Gone

by grumpysimon



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, F/M, immortal!scully
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 17:16:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6087931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumpysimon/pseuds/grumpysimon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I saw the lights in the sky but you were looking at me, establishing the presence of a bullet scar, one of your doing, familiarizing yourself with this moment in all of it's brilliancy. Maybe you were taken back to the time you first saw everything in it's entirety, knife wounds, bullet scars, years and years of doing this over and over. We had seen terror, we had seen blood-- yours, mine, theirs-- we had won battles but lost yet too many."</p>
            </blockquote>





	She's Already Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but here's something !  
> Please send kudos, comments, feedback, you know the drill. Remember it fuels me to keep writing, and it makes me smile! (Also it makes me better if something is really bad.)  
> XOXO  
> K.C

_"I love you more than my own skin."_  
-Frida Kahlo

\-----------------------------------------------

Scully,  
I saw the lights in the sky but you were looking at me, establishing the presence of a bullet scar, one of your doing, familiarizing yourself with this moment in all of it's brilliancy. Maybe you were taken back to the time you first saw everything in it's entirety, knife wounds, bullet scars, years and years of doing this over and over. We had seen terror, we had seen blood-- yours, mine, theirs-- we had won battles but lost yet too many.  
Together we were effectively the only ones in the world who knew the Truth. Maybe we made it up in bedsheets, but you never doubted your faith until sometime after you met me. Touched your cross, your bible, with doubt of why God would do any of these things. And I kept you doubting, inadvertently, chasing truths on our best days. On our worst days... well. You know. Not a day I regret, though.  
From the moment I met you, you were shoulder pads and heels, surrounded by a forcefield of doubt and science, proof and evidence, as sharp as a blade when I tried to crack in to your steely heart. But eventually I broke the wall you had put up, avoided your defenses, avoided being shot down, and we found ourselves in our predicament. Since those days, I have always known that love is unstoppable. Sense was made in bodies. Humans came up with the words and explanations for these feelings that chase us down forever.  
You know these things. We're still trying to make sense of things. It took us long enough to get here. We can wait longer.  


\-----------------------------------------------

Scully,  
In the night you were simple. All luminous glow and skin, pale-pretty. It was good for the both of us, but of course, the fear was consuming. It consumed you most, because pain was closer to your heart than I could ever get. You put faith in me through our later years, of course, but sometimes you shook with no cause and no seeming end.  
I think it first began when you lost your sister. If you were reading these, I hope you wouldn't think that I'm trying to analyze you, make use of that degree. I just know that I will always regret taking something away from you that you can never get back.  
Sometimes I think that I would take that bullet just so you could see her one other day.  
In the morning you were complicated. Bare skin and coffee creamer, white lilies and so on. My clothes draped off you, any moment you could slip out of them and abandon my t-shirt on my living room floor. That was the most beautiful thing, at first. How you were so strong but yet so small.  
Once everything was gone-- you were gone, I saw the picture-perfect image of you slipping into the river, treading water. You didn't say anything because the answers were in the trees.  
All of you was light. Even in the dark , you were iridescent, reflecting onto white walls. A faint shimmer, even when my eyes were closed; your presence in the room. And so I'd say, for years and years on,  
"I'd give it all to love that girl."  
It turns out, once I chased you everywhere, let you take the lead-- eventually, you did. You know how it happened but from my eyes it was the only godly presence I've ever felt.  


\-----------------------------------------------

Scully,  
The days of our youth were spent exploring the darkness. It enshrouded us, swallowed us whole, and we found our way into the belly of the beast. But you lit the way and that was enough. We didn't need flashlights because you shone-- well. Maybe it was just in my head. Think stabbed, sliced, shot, knocked out, trapped underground, frozen, and killed. Almost. It's a miracle we made it out of all the dark places. We carried the fire of exploration, your science and explanations, and me, endlessly believing. Too many times, I was the fool.  
We gave our years to file folders and I.D badges, losing everything that we thought was permanent. I've seen you cry once too many times, but I guess seeing you cry the first time was too many times. You made it past cancer, past the grim reaper knocking on our motel doors. Because it's not time to go home just yet.  
I will say, though, even when every explanation I had was faced with a counterpoint, I loved every goddamn second of it. Together we saw the turn of the millenium and almost witnessed the end of the world. But we lived.  
I depend on you like I depend on the sun to rise.  


\-----------------------------------------------

Mulder,  
You fell out of belief so many times. When you started believing again was when I realized I'd never fallen out of love with you. I just buried it, avoided thinking about it, funneled it into work and passion and whatever else I could find. But now I'm thinking about you, how I don't want to die without you by my side. I am growing old-- and this time, I don't want to die without you by my side.  
We've been chasing in the dark for so many years because I love this. The thrill of the chase. But I'm missing falling asleep next to you. Since I'm the one that left, it's my fault & my doing to you -- to us. I have to tell the believer that we can make things work. We have made things work for 10 years, even when you were the biggest pain.  
I'm not going to do this alone. No matter what.  
We've got history. And we've still got time left.  


\-----------------------------------------------

Scully,  
I tried to stop begging God for more time. All the time you have with someone, and once they're gone, it's nothing but wishing into empty spaces. I've cursed your god and I've cursed every other. In the years of our life, we spent too much time blaming everything on ourselves. For the most part, me. But now that you're gone, it's my turn to blame it on everyone else.  
I'm blaming it on the weather, blaming it on the stars, blaming it on power and blaming it on fear. I will find everything I can until I have no anger left or until you come back. And the likelihood of that is at none.  
I cannot wish the love of my life back into being.  


\-----------------------------------------------

Mulder,  
Meet me in the woods, where no one is shy, where wolves and bears hide through the thicket & past the lake.  
The are no mothmen or ufos here. This is our safe place.  
I do not fear the inevitability of death because I escaped it. Every and any god fears my greater power. Tell yourself this, let it become your mantra, your litany. I told myself enough.  
You and I-- we'll meet in the woods, we'll whisper between the brush, and when you tell me that you love me, I'll tell you that I can never die. That I've tried. And I know why, all those years ago.  
You are the filler for all my spaces. The spaces in my head, my heart, the gaps between my fingers. No matter what we are, I'd take a bullet for you.  
But you will have to carry the fire of the truth once I am gone. Because one day death will come for you but I will not let it take you.  
Love of my own skin, keep warm in our night. Carry the fire.  


\-----------------------------------------------

Scully,  
You are still here. I will not let you pass on, let your brother properly mourn you. I slept by your grave. In the morning I was reminded that I was old, but it did not matter if I cannot grow older with you.  
You told me to not look. You told me you were going to take the bullet for me, but I didn't understand. I shouldn't have listened. After all these years, and I listened. After all these years, and I closed my eyes.  
I lied in the dirty and now I cannot die. Don't leave me. I cannot hit the ground hard enough to see you again. Cannot fire my government issued weapon in the right way. Why did you tell me not to look? Why did you slip away without telling me?  
Please come home, Scully.

\-----------------------------------------------

Scully,  
Look at the moon. The moon speaks your name. When the wolves howl, they howl for you. Your death has torn apart the world. They do not know that is why, but I know. The earth shatters without you.  
Look at the stars, Scully. They wink out without you. They wink out into a black night and suddenly I have nothing to look for.  
Scully, I cannot see without you. My flashlight is too dark without your illumination against the dark room. If I cannot see then I carry the fire. I am blinded without you.  
Come home.  
I will not watch the snow melt into a spring without you. I will not see another Christmas, another Easter Sunday, I will not live. I will shut myself in and I will stop breathing. I will find a way to see you again.  
I was supposed to follow you into the dark. You promised. And now I'm too late to see if you were right, all this time with your gold cross necklaces and bibles.  
Now I might ever know. 


End file.
